Whatever: Man Flu

Whatever: Man Flu: Oh why when men get poorly   And the man flu's made them sick   They have to do it publically   And never miss a trick   ...

Man Flu

Oh why when men get poorly

 

And the man flu's made them sick

 

They have to do it publically

 

And never miss a trick

 

To cough and wheeze and splutter

 

And show you all their snot

 

And lie moaning on the sofa

 

So you can see just what they've got

 

They yell for soup and sympathy

 

They wail, they shriek, they moan

 

In front of anyone that's listening

 

They can't be left alone

 

As  they may  run out of tissues

 

Or their lemsips could go cold

 

They need duvets, and the heating on

 

For when the chills take hold

 

Now women on the other hand

 

Well we dont like to make a scene

 

We just try to grin and bear it

 

You all know what I mean!

 

We struggle on regardless

 

And ignore the aches and pain

 

And if we mention feeling ill

 

Our men go down again

 

But this time with a super bug

 

That's bigger, badder, worse

 

I know all you ladies out there

 

Are agreeing with my verse

 

So today I shall say nothing

 

I'll sit quietly for once

 

I'll ignore my throbbing limbs

 

And the pounding in my bonce

 

I'll go and make my own soup

 

And sit and slurp alone

 

No-one will notice that I'm ill

 

As I don't really like to moan!

Whatever: No sugar in my tea

Whatever: No sugar in my tea: Oh I wish I had a magic wand That I could wave with glee It would make me nice and skinny And I could have sugar in my tea I wouldn&...

No sugar in my tea

Oh I wish I had a magic wand

That I could wave with glee

It would make me nice and skinny

And I could have sugar in my tea

I wouldn't have to stop and squint

At information on the back

Of every bloody food I eat

And of every bloody pack

I would have butter on my crumpets

I'd do my chips in lard

I'd have wine with every dinner

As my arteries grew hard

I'd wear all my clothes with confidence

And  eat choccy all the time

I'd  have white bread in abundance

All warm and crisp - sublime

My deep fat frier would be used

Almost daily I would say

My fruitbowl would be empty

And I'd never ever weigh

Fat club would be a no no

I'd be spared the guilt and pain

Of stepping up and standing on

And told I'd had a gain

But of course I'm being fanciful

All this will never be

I need to check the fibre

The fat and calories

But all this will never happen

Not when my favourite veg are chips

I need to just behave myself

As I would really love my hips

To have some actual bones again

And I would love to find my waist

I need to eat what's good for me

And NOT  because  I love the taste

Of all my favourite nibbles

So it's salads now for me

No choccy, chips, and not much wine

And no sugar in my tea.

Whatever: POLITICS!

Whatever: POLITICS!: So when I was a little lass Sat on my Daddy's knee I knew about the evil one That they called Mrs T My Dad he didn't ...

POLITICS!

So when I was a little lass

Sat on my Daddy's knee

I knew about the evil one

That they called Mrs T

My Dad he didn't like her

Infact he thought her shit

Screwing up the North East

And closing all the pits

Unemployment hit 3 million

We'd never seen the like

Divided up whole families

Whilst getting on our bikes

But by the late late 80's

The tories said 'no more'

Some new blood was needed

So she was finally shown the door

And in they wheeled John Major

he had the common touch

His dad worked in the circus

Lived in council houses, and the such

And while he spouted values

And told us how to act

He was slipping old Edwina one

Not a rumour, it's a fact

And by the time the 90's hit

92 to be precise

We went and brought them back again

a 4th term wasn't nice

But finally in 97

A new man, Tony Blair

He brought us Cool Brittania

To drag us from depsair

We had Diana's awful 'accident'

We had the twin towers getting bombed

But Tony being the cool kid

Spun to great aplomb

But then it all went wrong from there

Because then came the wars

Our soldiers went to god knows where

And no-one knew the cause

So old Tony took a well timed bow

and said his time was spent

And then we had that  Gordon Brown

to lead the government

But folk are fickle he was old

And he only had one eye

He called some bird a bigot

He was bumbling, sad and shy

But for us it got a whole lot worse

2010, on May 6th

When we were all quite undecided

so we gained 2 odious pricks

The future lay in Nick Clegg's hands

Which was really quite a shame

As he chose to suck up Cameron's arse

For his 15 mins of fame

So now we're left with these 2 clowns

It's brought on mass depression

As the Uk's fucked, it's getting worse

With a triple dip recession

And alas we have 2 more years

To suffer what they've done

While they lie to us and laugh at us

The Tory Lib Dem scum

Whatever: Embarrassing Bodies.

Whatever: Embarrassing Bodies.: Embarrassing Bodies Now if my boobs were saggy and drooping to the floor Why would I disregard the doc And go on Channel 4? ...

Embarrassing Bodies.

Embarrassing Bodies

Now if my boobs were saggy

and drooping to the floor

Why would I disregard the doc

And go on Channel 4?

I think Doctor Christian's lovely

A trouper, he's the best

But there's no way I'd allow

A huge lens pointing at my chest

They claim they're too embarrassed

To let their GP see their lumps

They claim they're timid, shy and scared

Old fashioned, bashful frumps

But if your willy's warty

And your fanjita has a smell

There's a quiet little room

Where in private you can tell

Everything there is to know

No matter how obscene

Without ten million viewers

Staring at the screen

I'm guessing they get paid for it

Or is that a supposition

Scalpels, stirrups, pokes and prods

In unnatural positions?

I think I'd keep it under wraps

I'm not that desperate to be rich

But of course there's nothing wrong with me

Just an irritating itch

Whatever: TOWIE!

Whatever: TOWIE!: Why on earth do we watch it? It's pure and utter shit A heap of orange morons With fake arses, lips and tits Botoxed to ...

TOWIE!

Why on earth do we watch it?

It's pure and utter shit

A heap of orange morons

With fake arses, lips and tits

Botoxed to deformity

They all look the bloody same

Muttering pithy comments

Their convos  quite inane

Revelling in their Essex speak

calling people m8

r u going 2 the gymn 2nite

oh wow thats really gr8

Are the folks that live there  like that?

It can't all be really true

Do any of them go to proper jobs

the doctors or the loo?

Do they ever get some acne

Or frizzed hair from the humidity

Please tell me that they sometimes tire

With the general stupidity?

I'm guessing not, it's popular

I suppose it's all clean fun

But there must be somewehere else

That they could do a programme on?

Oh wait they did, with Geordies

And the desperate  scousewives too

And of course the Chelsea posh kids

Not a bit like me and you

I'm sure there's parts of Britain

where it's not a bit like that

where the people are quite normal

or even plain and fat

Whatever: The perils of the Trolley

Whatever: The perils of the Trolley: I think to get the full impact of this then it helps if you live in a holiday town.       Of everywhere in Cornwall   I ...

The perils of the Trolley

I think to get the full impact of this then it helps if you live in a holiday town.

 

 

 

Of everywhere in Cornwall

 I don’t really want to be

Without a doubt

You’ll hear me shout

‘’Is Tescos after 3’’

 

Especially in the summer months

On sunny Saturdays

There’s scores and scores

Of four by fours

Parked neatly in the bays

 

They’re armed with lists and cards and cash

For a fun filled shopping mission

Mum’s in the lead

The rest take heed

To assume their best position

 

To crowd around the baked beans

And swarm around the snacks

Their trolley groans

The Dad’s all moan

Stockpiling  multipacks

  

They bicker over biscuits

They squabble over pop

Kids start to whinge

Mum comes unhinged

While Granny throws a strop

 

And when they reach the checkout

With nerves all frayed and fraught

They’ll all complain

And show disdain

At the cost of what they’ve bought

 

So my advice to all you mothers

That have travelled from afar

Shop alone

Leave them home

Or lock them  in the car!

Whatever: Swearing.

Whatever: Swearing.: Sometimes when life aint going great and people arent that nice The strongest urge for naughty words is all that will suffice A l...

Swearing.

Sometimes when life aint going great
and people arent that nice
The strongest urge
for naughty words
is all that will suffice

A little fuck yelled here and there
some may say you're sick
but if no-one hears
or shields their ears
A minge will do the trick

We can then progress to wanker
or arsehole's also good
cock, tit and willy
is all quite silly
But it will get you in the mood

So don’t hold back your rants and raves
it works, it’s not a stunt
Progress quite slow
Then let it go
To a loud resounding CUNT